A Correction/Retraction/What Have We Done?!

In a previous post, we made the claim that there had been no dashing men out of America in fifty years. We regret to admit that this is patently false. In our drooling, Anglophile hysteria, we completely forgot about the most dashing man in America and one of the most dashing men in the world. That's right we're talking about this guy:

Crap, no, wait! So sorry! That is totally the wrong picture. We're talking about this gentleman:Mmm...George Clooney. Do yourselves a favor and take a moment to bask in His Georgeness.This is a guy who managed to be dashing even while sleeping with a potbellied pig (R.I.P. Max). He's also charming as heck, but that's a quality for another blog. The point is, we're sorry for excluding him from the list. So sorry, that we included two loverly portraits of him. Seriously, look at him! So dashing. How could we leave him off our list?! It's obvious why the Fug girls picked him up as their intern and not us. Jealous! And we have no Geroge to console us & rub our feet in our time of need. Mmm...so dashing.

And speaking of George, Murgs is going to the Ocean's Four Hundred Million Six Hundred and Forty Three Thousand Five Hundred and Twelve premiere in Chicago tonight and she's hoping beyond hope that maybe (perhaps by using the principles of The Secret) Mr. Clooney will somehow see this flattering blog and be compelled to seek her out for a quick snuggle. Positive thinking, people! If Oprah shills for it, it must be true!

Anyone in Need of a Kick to the Pants?

*Note: So, we wrote this blog yesterday, intending Wednesday to be our weekly "Kick in the Pants Day," but thanks to blogger & their "servers" & "networks" & "minions," it didn't work/happen. So, a day late, but you can thank blogger for that. Better yet, you can help us give a good old fashioned kick in the pants to blogger. KICK

It's official. Due to the amount of insane people in this world, ourselves included, we have declared Wednesdays to be "Kick in the Pants Day." So please join us every Wednesday as we hand out kicks to those who's pants need a kickin'.

Utah Weather: Seriously, man. It's June. It was 88 degrees yesterday. That means I shouldn't have to wear a jacket to work today & that it shouldn't be snowing in the mountains. It's been in the 40s all day, and that is unacceptable! I want some sun! Some warmth! Get it together & get with the times! I except some much warmer temperatures by this weekend so I can go swimming. Ai't? KICK

American Media: Are we seriously going to be getting Paris-updates every day she's in the big house? We don't care! And neither do you. Remember when the A.P ignored Paris for a week, and nobody noticed and/or cared? That means we don't want to hear about her every move/wardrobe choice/insipid utterance in daily-update form just because she's an idiot and landed herself in prison. In fact, if we never heard anything about her again, we'd lay at your feet and kiss your ink stained toes. So have some dignity, for crying out loud! She's not interesting & does nothing noteworthy with her life. Just quit her, cold turkey. Nobody will feel the loss. KICK

People who take board games way too seriously: You know who you are. You're the folks who ruin good, innocent, family time fun for everybody. You take a simple game of Cranium, Taboo, or, God forbid, Uncle Wiggly and turn it into a bloodthirsty grudge match. It's just not necessary. Take that misplaced anger and use it for good. Like ignoring Paris Hilton with all your might. KICK

Murgs's dog: Ok, so you're adorable. But no amount of adorable will make up for your eating half a tube of Avon lip balm, plastic and all, and keep your human companions up all night fretting about the state of your bowels. Especially after all the money we've spent maintaining your butt, and disposing of its worms and anal sac fluids. It's been expensive and unpleasant, Kurt. A stern "bad dog!" and a kick in the metaphorical pants to you, sir. KICK

Man, we're exhausted. That's all we have in us for today. Tune in next week, and if, in your adventures & daily treading, you come across somebody who needs some kickin', let us know. We'll be happy take care of that for you. And if not, at least leave us some flippin' comments! We know who you are! We know you read this! We need validation, dang it!! KICK

My, Aren't You Dashing!

We like men. Men sometimes like us. What do we love in a man, you might ask? Several qualities of attractiveness, of course, but what's that one characteristic that any man could sweep us off our feet with if just exhibited in the slightest amount? It's an elusive quality, comprised of dignity, poise, class, good looks and sauvitude. It's dashing-ness, the quality of being dashing. It's Cary Grant, Paul Newman, William Holden. It's a handsome man in a well cut suit. It's what makes you drool into your bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night while watching Pride & Prejudice, AMC, or any other features with these men of quality, these dashing fellows. Unforunately, there are very few who exemplify it these days. Here are some that do:

James Hugh Callum Laurie: That's right, Dr. House has four, count 'em four names. That ups his dashing quotient at least 400 points. As if he needed it. With one name or ten, this talented, educated, witty, tall, gorgeous, blue-eyed...sorry, lost our train of thought. Just look at the picture! Colin Firth: This guy is so dashing they got him to play the most dashing character in the history of literature - Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Thank you Jane Austen, and thank you, Colin Firth's parents' genes.Clive Owen: We're still pissed this guy didn't play James Bond, the second most dashing character in the history of literature. In fact the reason Daniel Craig didn't make this list is that, as hot as he may be, he's too primal to be dashing. A dashing man is a refined man, and Clive Owen is a refined man...and well defined (wink, wink). And it's not just men who can be dashing either. Here are some ladies with grace, strength, and elegance who also qualify:

Cate Blanchett: Even with pointy ears, this lady is gorgeous and refined. It's no coincidence that she's played the pinnacle of all dashing ladies past and present: Ms. Katharine Hepburn. Kate Winslet: A woman who time and again proves that you don't have to be coatrack thin to be graceful and elegant. She's insanely talented, well-spoken, and always looks smashing wherever she appears and whatever she appears in. We want to be this woman.Helen Mirren: Beautiful, sexy, and more vital the older she gets, this chick has it all. She's a versatile, brilliant actress, and we aspire to her vivaciousness. Noticing a pattern here? All of these people (with the exception of Ms. Blanchett) are British (Cate's Australian). Whither the dashing Americans? We haven't had a dashing male or female come out of this country in at least fifty years. It's time we changed that. America, it's on you. Do yourself a favor, rent a movie with any of these outstanding actors or actresses, and take notes. And drool a little, too. We know you can't help it. So if you choose to be anything today, be more dashing! More charming! More bold!

Out of Order

We'll be back to blogging tomorrow...as soon as we un-bury ourselves out of the piles of crap on our desks.

(photo courtesy of kat @ good...and good for you.)