An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dearest Lindsay,

The three of us have a long and storied past that starts with the adorably freckled The Parent Trap and ends with the ridiculous business of the past weekend. Every time we see that video of you hustling away from your wrecked car, black sweatsuit all a-jiggle, ginger hair flying recklessly behind you, we shed one tiny tear a piece. But it adds up, LiLo. That video has been aired a lot.

We don't like to see you this way, Lindsay. What has happened to you, and furthermore, what's to become of you? Rehab doesn't look like it's going to do the job. So we've got a different option for you. Adoption. By us. Via Oprah. It's a winning idea all around, and we think you'll agree once you hear our plans for you.

We'll start off every morning with a good swift kick in the pants. I know it sounds harsh, Linds, but it's the foundation of our program, and it's been proven effective time and again. Next up, a healthy breakfast of actual, solid food, followed by some mild but invigorating exercise and some yoga to help center that wild chi of yours that needs taming. From 11ish, to oh, say about 12:30, you'll be reading from a list of books that we've tailored especially to your needs. We've started it off easy with some Cam Jansen and Sweet Valley High titles, but you'll soon graduate to Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, possibly a little Gloria Steinem or The Feminine Mystique if you're feeling up to it. Then you will plop your freckled fanny in front of the TV where you'll watch a selection of films starring the likes of Katharine Hepburn, Meryl Streep, Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman, Ava Gardner, and Kate Winslet (just to name a few) so you can see how strong, intelligent women with gumption comport themselves. After that, there will be a light lunch, more reading, a hearty dinner and Oprah time, where you will chat with the two of us and your new grandmother, review what you've learned, and center yourself for a new day. Then it's off to bed with you, you little scamp, by 9 pm and no later.

As time goes by and your deportment improves, you will gradually earn back your shopping, spa, and smoothie privileges. But drinking, partying, and snorting coke off of Benicio Del Toro's bare chest are right off. Never again, Lindsay, and we mean it. As your new parents, we care about you, your career and your happiness. Somebody needs to, are we are really, able (with the help of our newly adopted mother Oprah), and willing to take on that responsibly and take it seriously. (You hear us, Dina! That's what being a parent is all about. You can come & learn from us, but not with little Lindsay around. You'll be too tempted to steal her clubbing clothes we threw out, call Benicio, & smuggle Lindsay out for just one night of fun. Not under our watch, lady.)

So be ready, LiLo. When you get checked out of rehab, which we will be doing, we'll fly you to one of seven Oprah homes & start our kick-in-the-pants regimen to help you get back on track and stop ruining your life like Drew Barrymore did. Trust us, you'll be thanking us in the end when you're a good, respectable and contributing woman of society who little Dakota Fanning or Abigail Breslin will look up to and want to become.

We're watching you kid,
Nama & Murgs