Healthy Snacks, Healthy Snacks!

We here at namamurgs.blogspot.com have been pals since the early morning of the second day of the beginning of time. We've seen each other through thick and thin, from Taco Bueno to half gallons of Blue Bell, which is why it was a shock to both of us to discover that we've both been living fairly healthfully of late. To wit - Nama has been taking a multi-vitamin and will be teaching yoga, and Murgs has taken up jump roping (laugh it up, chuckleheads, it's killer cardio!) and has been experimenting with fiber with mixed results. We'd be swelled with pride if we weren't so fit! But we're nothing special. We like cream cheese and chocolate just like the rest of America. So how come everybody (especially this bozo) isn't as healthy as us?

The answer is simple, really. People are dumb. That's our motto. And we found that it has helped us understand anything and everything about the sometimes strange people of this world who do stuff like this. It also takes the stress and funk out of life that result from attempting to make sense out of what the citizens of the world do with their time. And money. Anways, dumb people like bozo here are out there putting ridiculous things in their bodies, or not putting enough important things in them. Dumb.

Look, here's the deal. Here's our "secret" to being "healthy" and stayling "alive."

Carbs are good. You need them to live.
Also calories. Your body uses those to make your heart pump and your eyes blink.
Fat? That also keeps you from dying. It's only in excess that they're bad.
And use some sense. And have some dark chocolate. It's got antioxidants.

That's it. That's the namamurgs lifestyle diet in a nutshell. Follow it, and like us, you'll live to be a bitter, crochety 100 year-old hag. And we'll be there to blog for you.

Kick in the Pants Day

Today, we'd like to dedicate this blog to a piece of history, if you will. An act that has kept humanity in check at times & thrown it into chaos at others. But, we will admit, everyone needs one:

A good, ol'e swift kick in the pants!

And you're all getting one today. We'll start with ourselves so we don't feel left out:

Nama, pull yourself together, man! You're not getting anywhere with an attitude like that! It's not all about you, and the world would appreciate it if you cleaned/painted your toenails every once in a while. KICK

Murgs, simmer down now! Life isn't so rough & your dog/boyfriend love you! What more could you want? Are you the little engine that could or just wouldn't? Yeah, that's what I thought. KICK

And now, onto more much needed kicks to those most in need:

Freebirthers. How selfish, ignorant, and irresponsible can you be? I can understand foregoing medication and/or doing the midwife thing, but giving birth to your completely helpless and vulnerable child by yourself at home? Think about that baby! Modern medicine is a good thing and shouldn't be hated on. It's meant to save lives, not to lord over you because they think women aren't "'intellectually capable of making their own decisions when it comes to birth.'" Please. Yes, women have been giving birth for thousands and thousands of years, but you do realize that the infant mortality rate in the "Western-civilized" world has significantly dropped thanks to modern medicine, right? Giving birth is, in fact, a very dangerous biological act, despite what you have convinced yourself otherwise. Yes, our bodies are made to give birth, but, at the same time, a woman's body is literally brought to the brink of death when she gives birth. While a majority of the time, that miraculous event occurs without any crises, when something does go wrong, it has the awesome capability of going horribly wrong. Why the heck would you go through this process alone without trained doctors or midwives who will know what to do to keep you & that innocent and helpless life you're bringing into the world that's totally dependent on you alive and well? The birthing process isn't about you. It's about bringing a new life into the world safely that you have created. And we think it's idiotic and irresponsible to ignorantly fall into this apparent freebirthing "trend" based on fear of medical establishment and the unfounded ideas that the Western world "have for years been 'taking something that's natural and making it into a disease.'" Think about it & stop yourself from running with such extreme & fear-based statements before you make huge decisions that not only affect you, but the fragile life you are bringing into the world. KICK

Rosie. Just stop it. Stop raising heck, kicking up dirt, & finding ways to get offended. Get over yourself. We're sure over you. We don't care anymore. So just stop it. KICK

Bono. You self-important jackass. Technically, you're probably a positive force in the universe since you've introduced a lot of self-involved, lazy Americans to the idea of charity. But do you have to be so freaking smug about it? Plus, you're a total hypocrite! That's right, America, click the link if you don't believe me! KICK

Rupert Murdoch. Type "Rupert Murdoch is evil" into Google and you get about 465,000 results. When people talk about "the Man" they're referring to this guy and his terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad, far-right media empire. The guy is a force of nature and must be stopped - by a kick in the dern pants. KICK

Paris Hilton. For reasons too numerous to mention, we would like to kick you in the pants over and over and over again. KICK

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dearest Lindsay,

The three of us have a long and storied past that starts with the adorably freckled The Parent Trap and ends with the ridiculous business of the past weekend. Every time we see that video of you hustling away from your wrecked car, black sweatsuit all a-jiggle, ginger hair flying recklessly behind you, we shed one tiny tear a piece. But it adds up, LiLo. That video has been aired a lot.

We don't like to see you this way, Lindsay. What has happened to you, and furthermore, what's to become of you? Rehab doesn't look like it's going to do the job. So we've got a different option for you. Adoption. By us. Via Oprah. It's a winning idea all around, and we think you'll agree once you hear our plans for you.

We'll start off every morning with a good swift kick in the pants. I know it sounds harsh, Linds, but it's the foundation of our program, and it's been proven effective time and again. Next up, a healthy breakfast of actual, solid food, followed by some mild but invigorating exercise and some yoga to help center that wild chi of yours that needs taming. From 11ish, to oh, say about 12:30, you'll be reading from a list of books that we've tailored especially to your needs. We've started it off easy with some Cam Jansen and Sweet Valley High titles, but you'll soon graduate to Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, possibly a little Gloria Steinem or The Feminine Mystique if you're feeling up to it. Then you will plop your freckled fanny in front of the TV where you'll watch a selection of films starring the likes of Katharine Hepburn, Meryl Streep, Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman, Ava Gardner, and Kate Winslet (just to name a few) so you can see how strong, intelligent women with gumption comport themselves. After that, there will be a light lunch, more reading, a hearty dinner and Oprah time, where you will chat with the two of us and your new grandmother, review what you've learned, and center yourself for a new day. Then it's off to bed with you, you little scamp, by 9 pm and no later.

As time goes by and your deportment improves, you will gradually earn back your shopping, spa, and smoothie privileges. But drinking, partying, and snorting coke off of Benicio Del Toro's bare chest are right off. Never again, Lindsay, and we mean it. As your new parents, we care about you, your career and your happiness. Somebody needs to, are we are really, able (with the help of our newly adopted mother Oprah), and willing to take on that responsibly and take it seriously. (You hear us, Dina! That's what being a parent is all about. You can come & learn from us, but not with little Lindsay around. You'll be too tempted to steal her clubbing clothes we threw out, call Benicio, & smuggle Lindsay out for just one night of fun. Not under our watch, lady.)

So be ready, LiLo. When you get checked out of rehab, which we will be doing, we'll fly you to one of seven Oprah homes & start our kick-in-the-pants regimen to help you get back on track and stop ruining your life like Drew Barrymore did. Trust us, you'll be thanking us in the end when you're a good, respectable and contributing woman of society who little Dakota Fanning or Abigail Breslin will look up to and want to become.

We're watching you kid,
Nama & Murgs

Honk! It Jim Carrey Birtday!

Last week Bob Dylan turned 66, and it got us to thinking about how we, in the past, had an embarassing tendency to celebrate celebrities' birthdays.

It all started with the message that is now the title of this blog. When were were probably 14ish, we made a sign that said this exact phrase, misspellings, bad grammar, & all (honestly, it was a mistake) & stood out on the main street next to our suburban neighborhood for at least an hour or so. I think we counted about 5 honks, including one from a truck that was painted to look like a cow. Of course, this was Mesquite where people in cow trucks will honk at anything. Anyway, being young and dumb (and in the case of Murgs, inexplicably smitten with Jim Carrey), we were excited by the attention and proud of our handiwork. It was a good day.

You'd think that our starry-eyed obsession with the birthday's of people we had never met would have waned, but that is not the case. It was probably Junior year or so when Murgs converted a tie-dyed t-shirt into a Sharpied tribute to the Bobster on his birthday and wore it to school. Murgs would even wear it when it wasn't his birthday & just stick a sign that said "not" in between "It's" and "Bob." It was a small gesture, but Murgs risked ridicule to do it, so Bob, if you're out there, we hope you freaking appreciate it.

Don't Go West

First of all, this is no laughing matter. It's always tragic when a mother doesn't have the support or the resources to get the help that she needs and resorts to killing herself or her babies. It got us to pondering though, why this kind of thing seems to happen so much in Texas? Seems like at least once a year some mother is drowning/hanging/driving her kids off a cliff.

In this case, the answer is obvious. This woman lived west of Fort Worth. You should never, ever under any circumstances travel west of Fort Worth. If you happen to find yourself tooling along I-30 and you get to that spot where it turns into 20, do yourself a favor and turn around. Don't bother to exit; U-turn across the median and hightail it out of there. Take out a couple of F150s if you need to, but GET OUT. There's nothing good going on west of Forth Worth. Seriously, Weatherford, Azle, Aledo, Pelican Bay, White Settlement? Do any of these sound like places you'd feel comfortable testifying you'd been to in a court of law? If not, stay the heck out, because the more time you spend west of Fort Worth, the more likely you are to go absolutely monkey butt bananas and kill somebody. Just trust us. (Although we do add that we have family members out in west west Texas, and they're perfectly normal. Just be careful of that no-man's land just to the west of civilization, ai't?)

In point of fact, the whole state of Texas has a crazyfying effect on a person. And although we love it dearly and the families still living there, that's the main reason neither of us live there anymore. It's a strange place full of violence, bigotry and intrigue. We don't have "Texas Pride," nor do we know exactly what that is. Yes, it's home and (nod to Dorthy) there's no place like it, but we don't' feel the need to drape a Texas flag around us like a cape & wander the streets of our new homes telling everyone that we're Texan and that it's too bad they're not. It's also difficult place to be a mother. Can you imagine raising children among gun nuts, NASCAR fans and $30,000 a year millionaires? It's a tough job, and the women who manage it are mostly steely, bleachy broads, fueled by Shiner bock and Oxycontin. And even then their kids only get to be about 16 before they die in a drag race or of a heroin overdose.

So in light of this, Nama and Murgs would like to thank our own sainted mothers for raising us up so dern good in spite of all the terrors that infect Texas. And for giving us the courage and support to get the hell out. Thanks Moms!

The Good & the Bad of Lean Cuisine

One of the great things about being a working girl these days is the nice lunch break in the middle of the day. You get to relax, do some impulse shopping on the city streets, & stuff you face full of whatever they serve at that great restaurant down a few city blocks from your place of employment. Well...it's one of the great fantasies about being a working girl. In reality, your hour lunch break is spent running errands, emptying your bank account to pay your dog's $500 vet bills, & quickly scarfing down whatever finds its way to your mouth. Don't believe what "Sex in the City" tells you about being a working girl. It's akin to believing that high school would be exactly like what they portrayed in "Saved by the Bell" that you watched on a weekly basis when you were 10, falling in love with Zack Morris, wanting to be Kelly Kapowski, admiring Jessie Spano ("I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!") for her opinionated & feminist personality, and not being able to wait until high school started! Lies. All lies!!

Ahem. Our point being that our working-girl lunch-hours pass quickly & stressfully. So what is our preferred choice of lunch? Lean Cuisine meals. They're not too expensive & some of them are quite tasty! They are a smaller portion, and sometimes we are left hungry an hour after lunch. However, sometimes they hit the spot. But most of the time, it's just what we have to eat. And like. Here's our list of great Lean Cuisine meals, so-so dishes, & flat-out wouldn't-touch-it-with-a-plastic-spatula creations:

So good! Your taste buds won't know what hit them:

• Any of the pizzas, especially the Margherita Pizza.
• Most of their Italian dishes are pretty darn great, like the Cheese Lasagna Florentine Bake.
• The classic Macaroni & Cheese. It's delicious!
• Roasted Potatoes, Broccoli, and Cheddar Cheese Sauce. It's lighter & won't keep you from going hungry all afternoon, but it's still quite yummy.
• Three Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni...there's nothing to be said of it's greatness. Just eat it & be delighted.
• Most of the chicken dishes are pretty safe, and even delicious, like the Grilled Chicken Primavera and the Chicken Carbonara. To. Die. For.

Eh. They'll do the job:

• The Chicken Fettucini is ai't. It kind of tastes diety, if you know what I mean.
• The Asian food collection is also a little iffy. Sometimes it just isn't enough (Vegetable Eggroll) and a little under flavored, or it's just way too overpowering for the small portion sizes (Chicken in Peanut Sauce)
• Their panini selection has potential, but falls a bit short. While they do taste yummy, like the Southwest-style Chicken Panini, their new-fangled, space-age grilling mechanism it comes with is suppose to grill the panini in the microwave, and it lies. They would taste better actually grilled, but instead are a little soft & flimsy.

Don't even think about it, unless you're planning on using that cyanide capsule you've kept around in case of emergencies:

• Chicken with Almonds. This falls under the too-much-Asian-Flavor found above, but really goes overboard to the point of nastiness.
• Anything with beef in it. The worst culprits are the Salisbury Steak and the Spaghetti and Meatballs. Remember that iron-y tasting stuff they slopped onto your tray in elementary school? It's like that.

An Open Letter to Oprah Winfrey

Dear Oprah.
We bet you're surprised to hear from us Oprah. We've had our differences in the past. There was that little James Frey mishap, that whole Dr. Phil period, and the fact that you opened a school in Africa instead of helping kids out on the South Side of your own city of residence. But, Oprah, darling, we've been considering you, your warm heart, your soft, downy arms, and your massive, massive wealth, and we've decided to let bygones be bygones. We only have one condition. You have to adopt us.

Now Oprah, we are not dumb. We know you get heart breaking supplications on a regular basis, but this will be of great benefit, not just to us, but to you, as well. And don't worry. We're not talking about some trendy, law-bending foreign adoption, a la Madonna or Angelina. We're offering our all-American, whip-smart, responsible adult services to you. Think about it, Oprah. You have seven houses. Seven! You can't even in your most omniscient state occupy them all at once, even with the help of Stedman & Gail. We would be more than happy to house-sit them for you and make sure the food in those well stocked fridges doesn't go bad. We can even take some of that pesky money off your hands. Make no mistake. We're not greedy. We just have the common needs of a pleb. Credit card needs, student debt needs, and, occasionally, gold-plated toilet needs.

Oprah, if you're still not convinced, we'll sweeten the deal. Nama and Murgs humbly offer you their immortal souls to do with as you please. And while Murgs' is a little battered and overly-handled, Nama's is as pristine as an angel's toenail, perfect for cushioning your head while you sleep or for removing stubborn eye makeup. It's a once in a lifetime deal, Oprah. We hope you'll consider it.

With love,
Nama & Murgs

Reunion 2011

It was once our dream to stage a giant game of Twister in the courtyard of the neighborhood googleplex of our teenagehood, the AMC 30 in Mesquite, TX. As our ten year reunion looms (are we really getting that old), it occurred to us that, with all our high school chums in the same place, our dream just might be realized. Then we thought, to heck with all that, Mesquite sucks! So we've changed our reunion/twister plans...

What: NMHS Class of 2001 10-Year Reunion

Where: Tokyo, Japan (much, much cooler than Mesquite)

Why: To play a giant Twister game with live commentary provided by NMHS's very own graduate, Brandon Scott-formerly-Wickersham

Who: You! BYOB

So start saving your pennies because we'll need all the financial help we can get for our relocated reunion. The giant Twister game and flying karaoke machine (hasn't been invented yet but we're hoping it will be by 2011) will cost a pretty penny in Tokyo. See you there!

Vote Dempublican

A good presidential campaign rests on the efforts of a solid team that backs the candidate & makes him look acceptable & electable. One of the most important tasks this team has to tackle is to choose the running mate. You need somebody you looks good, but not as good as the candidate, and who could handle being a puppet by doing what the staff the president would choose tells him to do for the remainder of the term should the president become incapacitated or die (see "Dave").

You also need to choose someone who's name will flow with the candidates'; for example: Kerry/Edwards. Nice ring, short & sweet, perfect! Perot/Stockdale? It's too much of a mouthful, there's no flow, and the public will not remember them. Ok, maybe they remember Perot with the ears and the crazy, but Stockdale? Who the fuss is that? Perot should have run with Rocky Balboa. Perot/Balboa. That has a ring to it! It's also a solid ticket, even if the Vice Presidential candidate is fictional.

Now, our concern this turn of elections is for the democratic candidate, Barack Obama. Obama? His team really needs to find somebody that has a good, not as strong, by strong still, name that will flow with Obama. I'm sure they're perplexed and currently working day & night to find a perfect match. Much of his fate hangs on this decision, we believe.

Well, his team need look no further, for we have a brilliant solution! We would like to announce that our very own Nama, of Nama & Murgs, will be campaigning on little more than Goldfish crackers & bubble wrap to take her rightful place as Barack's 2008 running mate:

Obama/Nama 2008!

It's ingenious! So, please, help spread the word. Your country needs you.

Rest in Pieces

People we think are dead, but aren't:

• Dick Van Dyke
• Bo Diddley
• Rip Torn
• Herry Kissinger
• Doris Day
• Harper Lee
• J.D. Salinger
• Larry McMurtry
• Paul Newman
• Chuck Berry
• Buddy Guy

People we are suprised to hear are still alive as they seem to defy death, sometimes on a regular basis:

• Shannon Malloy
• Dick Clark
• Keith Richards
• Cher
• Linday Lohan
• Danielle Steel
• Suzanne Summers

Borderline: people we sometimes/almost think they are dead/probably should be dead, but are not yet:

• Elizabeth Taylor
• Regis Philban
• Maggie Smith
• David Letterman
• Bob Dylan
• Sally Field
• Goldie Hawn
• Tony Little

The fool

Our pick for most underrated movie of all time: "That Thing You Do!" It's charming, it's funny, it has an exclamation point. What more can you what? Our favorite character is Lenny, owner of all the best lines:

• "Oh, I'm not here with these fellas. I've got a pig in competition over at the livestock pavillion and I am gonna win that blue ribbon."
• "Hey, that's oh-NEH-ders."
• "There he goes off to his room to write the hit song "Alone in my principles."

He's also the inspirer of girlish crushes. Seriously, who did you find yourself more attracted to? The bass player? Come on! Nobody cares about the bass players and they're never cute, unless you count Paul McCartney, who is definitely the exception to the rule. It's all about Lenny and his guitar. Ah, Lenny. Whither Steve Zahn? And more importantly, whither his adorableness? Here's to you, my Erie, PA friend.

That's...not hot.

So we're going to make an educated prediction here and say that badgers are going to be the hot new pet-cessories for fall. They're cute, fuzzy, fit conveniently in an oversized Louis Vitton handbag, and according to wikipedia, can fight off bears. Pretty protection is their game. We'd like to see a chihuahua handle that! Oh, and they're known to carry rabies. But everybody knows that frothing at the mouth totally burns calories. I mean, just look at this guy:He's so sad! He knows what's comin' to him and his friends. You might think badgers just lurk around, badgering things, but they see everything! This little guy knows what's coming to him! He knows that it won't be too long before he ends up in some fluffy Dolce & Gabbana creation, wandering the streets of L.A. in an exclusive Louis Vitton, badger-sized creation with no other than one Jailbird Hilton as it's fruffy & careless owner. This is not the life a badger should lead. Poor badger, poor vicious badger.